Today's rambling: And the ending to the cliffhanger...
Written on Thursday, Jan. 27, 2005 at 9:50 p.m.
while feeling a bit

Okay, so the reason for my need of happy drugs (in the form of natural endorphins, folks): 'course, it's all about my father.

He emailed me...probably yesterday sometime, but I don't know, as I've had his email addy redirected to my spam folder for awhile. A few days ago, Mom had called him and asked if there was any way he could help out with my rent this semester, since neither of us can afford it. He called her back once, but got her voicemail...so then I guess when he didn't hear from her immediately afterward, he became angry. And emailed me, naturally, because of COURSE the child should be the go-between.

The email was full of his usual "You should feel guilty and shameful" lines, but he also had the gall to say that Mom and I were lying about how much tuition costs, and this that and the other thing.

Umm...first of all. Yeah, tuition is lower, because I TOOK OUT A STUDENT LOAN. And I'm also not paying for a room on campus. The apartment I'm in right now is technically CHEAPER than if I'd lived on campus, but I wouldn't expect you to understand that, you tight-fisted bastard.

*breathes*

Anyway, yeah. I was in hysterics last night (apparently, he's going for a once-a-semester breakdown), and I wound up calling Mom after midnight. I deliberated on it for a few minutes, not wanting to wake her up since she had to work today, but I had to talk to someone. I just don't understand how his mind works. I wrote him another email (the final one, as far as I'm concerned), and reiterated my position that if he can't deign to be nice to me, then I want no further communication with him.

OH! I also replied to his little line about how he agreed to pay my tuition because he "assumed his daughter would treat him like a father." "If you want me to treat you like a father," I replied, "then start treating me like a human being!" There were some other bits, such as how if he'd wanted his daughter to treat him well, then maybe he should have treated me like a father usually treats his daughter, instead of trying to make up for it after the divorce happened. Because that's when he finally started trying to be nice and caring and all that. How do you make up for 19 years of emotional neglect? I have so few good memories of him that I could count them on one hand. The only one that even stands out is the memory of him tucking me in at night when I was little. Most of the time, he was either away on business trips, or he was moved out entirely (starting around 8th or 9th grade, when his job moved him to Massachusetts).

His life has always revolved around his wallet, not his family. And I told him that as well. All he ever does is cry and moan about how he's not made of money, and makes it sound like WE'RE the bad guys for asking it of him. Um...He lives in New Hampshire, first off, which isn't exactly a cheap state in which to live. He and his whore go on CRUISES rather regularly (something he always said we 'didn't have the money to do'). He took away the house from under my feet and Mom's, took all but $200 of the money in the bank, shut off all the utilities so we'd freeze over the winter...and yet WE'RE the ones who are somehow the bad guys?

I wish I had a father, instead of a sperm donor.

I'd also like to punch him right in the face SO BADLY. And La Whore, too. Damn, but it would feel good to just beat the crap out of both of them. But whatever. With any luck, something will come around and he'll feel EXACTLY how Mom and I have felt for the past 4 (almost 5 years). I hope he loses everything he owns, I really do. Maybe then he'll wake up.

But not likely.